FARFETCHED FACTOID #03005 - Flutterboard Envy

Flutterboard Envy, a little-known psychological disorder, has recently struck fear into the hearts, minds, and wallets of American families, corporate leaders and elected officials.

This disorder, identified not long ago by the Scurrilous Syndromes Society, was revealed during a major international research project funded by “The Church of The Blessed Boffo”, on special recreational needs among casual passion fruit consumers, dedicated fly-fishing enthusiasts, and ardent birthday suit proponents.

Although this soul-searching study is short on dazzling data, irrefutable evidence, rigorous analysis, or connect-the-dot conclusions, it is neverthless is creating a flurry of excitement in the slick spiritual services world. The good news is that missionaries will soon be able to offer a whole host of rituals and handy prayers to heal the wounds of Flutterboard Envy that may befall community members with an interest in fins and flippers, not to mention other fishy sorts of activies.

Flutterboard Envy is an indiscriminate disease affecting wee ones, testy teenagers, and cantankerous curmudgeons frequenting public or private full-length swimming pools (and occasionally, wading pools or hot-tubs).

The syndrome, (circa 1950), is named after the “flutterboard”, a rectangular floating device used by swimmers in practicing leg strokes. And therein lies the problem.

Firstly, the issue of “practicing leg strokes publicly” has raised concerns among “Wiarton Willie Groundhog Day” organizers, (a Weird Watchdog community-based group in Ontario – “God’s Country”). In a press conference held on February 2, 2005, (on the occasion of "International GroundHog Preservation Day"), spokesperson Elvira Crumpet warned that Flutterboard Envy (that is, conduct unbecoming of a healthy person of sound mind and body), could contribute unecessarily to an obsessive-compulsive lurid lifestyle thus threatening to unravel the very fabric of human society, as well as random acts of kindness towards hibernating creatures like groundhogs.

Secondly, lifeguards report that the use of flutterboards for fun or to improve stamina in senior studs is causing chronic conflict, social unrest, and mild havoc among intergenerational pool users. Senior water rescue and resuscitation professionals, (together with strong support from prominent spin-doctors in the private sector), have submitted a memorandum outlining the negative impact on local public health and safety from Flutterboard Envy which also poses a serious threat to the stability of regional, national, and global security.

Thirdly, advertisers complain that insufficient space on flutterboards to accommodate their colorful logos and tag lines impedes their insatiable drive and undisputed right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (involving how to maximize corporate profits). They are lobbying the federal government in alliance with The Flutterboard Manufacturing Association to enact three new and vital measures: (1) tough regulations to govern the size of flutterboards, (2) a ban on the importation of all foreign-made flutterboards, and (3) the establishment of a joint government and private trust-fund to assist in the rehabilitation of Flutterboard Envy victims.

And lastly, civic officials are concerned that Flutterboard Envy is getting out of hand as far too many citizens are exercising their legal right to challenge anyone who threatens their right to use a flutterboard any way they please. Senior administrators point out that the cost of litigation now exceeds the already ballooning budget for street cleaning, water and sewer operations, not to mention loose pet and illegal parking impoundment services.