FARFETCHED FACTOID #04005 - Penwomanship

Little is known about "penwomanship" (other than the fact that it has something to do with the fair sex and writing utensils).

It seems that a century ago, give or take a few years, some feisty floosies (as they were called in the "good old days") complained about not having the vote, not having access to high quality pens that didn't leak all over one's thank you notes, and not having a break from nappy changing routines. They also expostulated vehemently about far too many broken finger nails, cookies that crumbled, and cracked punch bowls.

The Fickle Finger of Fate & Funny Fetishes heard their pantaloon pleas and granted them three waggish wishes as miffed members of the Bluestocking Society:

1. The right to cast the ballot in the annual "Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who is the Fairest of Them All" contest", or if they preferred something more challenging...the right to cast the first frigging stone (at snooty people who live in glass houses) ...whichever gave them the best chance of success.

2. The answer to every Domestic Diva's dreams ...more modern kitchen appliances and gadgets such digital timers and thermometers, electric carving knives, expresso coffee machines, waffle-makers, bagel/toaster ovens, convection ovens, microwaves, garburators and compactors, "smart" ranges and refrigerators, not to mention a gleeful genie in a bottle named, "Mr. Clean", and a dapper white-suited fellow with an ever-present beaming smile ..."The Man from Glad".

3. A delightful digital doomahickey that responds to the owner's every command, plus a few pleasant perks such as a built-in back back-rubber, a convenient memory-loss reminder, a B-S filter, and a meditation mood music stick to enhance transparent ideas or lighter-than-air thoughts presented by breath-taking braggadacios during business meetings).

And that dear friends is the end of this moral majority tale about how things might have turned out if women ruled the world instead of the tried-and true, linear-thinking, logical, and fearless folk who know better and who shall henceforth be known as men of letters.

FARFETCHED FACTOID #03005 - Flutterboard Envy

Flutterboard Envy, a little-known psychological disorder, has recently struck fear into the hearts, minds, and wallets of American families, corporate leaders and elected officials.

This disorder, identified not long ago by the Scurrilous Syndromes Society, was revealed during a major international research project funded by “The Church of The Blessed Boffo”, on special recreational needs among casual passion fruit consumers, dedicated fly-fishing enthusiasts, and ardent birthday suit proponents.

Although this soul-searching study is short on dazzling data, irrefutable evidence, rigorous analysis, or connect-the-dot conclusions, it is neverthless is creating a flurry of excitement in the slick spiritual services world. The good news is that missionaries will soon be able to offer a whole host of rituals and handy prayers to heal the wounds of Flutterboard Envy that may befall community members with an interest in fins and flippers, not to mention other fishy sorts of activies.

Flutterboard Envy is an indiscriminate disease affecting wee ones, testy teenagers, and cantankerous curmudgeons frequenting public or private full-length swimming pools (and occasionally, wading pools or hot-tubs).

The syndrome, (circa 1950), is named after the “flutterboard”, a rectangular floating device used by swimmers in practicing leg strokes. And therein lies the problem.

Firstly, the issue of “practicing leg strokes publicly” has raised concerns among “Wiarton Willie Groundhog Day” organizers, (a Weird Watchdog community-based group in Ontario – “God’s Country”). In a press conference held on February 2, 2005, (on the occasion of "International GroundHog Preservation Day"), spokesperson Elvira Crumpet warned that Flutterboard Envy (that is, conduct unbecoming of a healthy person of sound mind and body), could contribute unecessarily to an obsessive-compulsive lurid lifestyle thus threatening to unravel the very fabric of human society, as well as random acts of kindness towards hibernating creatures like groundhogs.

Secondly, lifeguards report that the use of flutterboards for fun or to improve stamina in senior studs is causing chronic conflict, social unrest, and mild havoc among intergenerational pool users. Senior water rescue and resuscitation professionals, (together with strong support from prominent spin-doctors in the private sector), have submitted a memorandum outlining the negative impact on local public health and safety from Flutterboard Envy which also poses a serious threat to the stability of regional, national, and global security.

Thirdly, advertisers complain that insufficient space on flutterboards to accommodate their colorful logos and tag lines impedes their insatiable drive and undisputed right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (involving how to maximize corporate profits). They are lobbying the federal government in alliance with The Flutterboard Manufacturing Association to enact three new and vital measures: (1) tough regulations to govern the size of flutterboards, (2) a ban on the importation of all foreign-made flutterboards, and (3) the establishment of a joint government and private trust-fund to assist in the rehabilitation of Flutterboard Envy victims.

And lastly, civic officials are concerned that Flutterboard Envy is getting out of hand as far too many citizens are exercising their legal right to challenge anyone who threatens their right to use a flutterboard any way they please. Senior administrators point out that the cost of litigation now exceeds the already ballooning budget for street cleaning, water and sewer operations, not to mention loose pet and illegal parking impoundment services.

FARFETCHED FACTOID #02005 -- Fish-Eye Point of View

A fish-eye point of view can only be captured whilst peering through the lens of an underwater camera or through a pair of goggles.

Recreational divers, frog-frocked naval officers, and a whole host of politicians from the Lost City of Atlantis are said to be the most adept at seeing things from a fish-eye point of view.

What's so special about a fish-eye point of view?

Well for one thing, since fish don't sleep and therefore can't blink or bat an eye, they never miss out on any opportunity to watch, wave or simply whomp the object of their affection. And for another, without eyebrows and eyelashes, fish have no need for expensive, sometimes messy, hypoallergenic cosmetics like mascara, eye-liner or eye-shadow.

A fish-eye point of view offers a unique perspective on the wonderful world of water -- not to mention the merry mermaids, slippery sea-nymphs, salty sea-horses, and someone calling himself "Charlie The Tuna", (most small fry just keep clear of the "Big Kahuna").

The only downside of a fish-eye point of view is the fact that homo sapiens require a lot of clunky gear such as a face mask, an underwater breathing apparatus, and a pair of fins in order to play with the flotsom and jetsom floating about in the fish bowl of life or in a tank labelled "tawdry tidbits".

FARFETCHED FACTOID #01005 -- Shout Beetle

The shout beetle is a prominent member of the six-legged, wicked wench weevil family.

Among other things, it is said to inhabit all laundry detergent boxes or plastic containers.

According to hygiene product manufacturers, the shout beetle is the only "secret" ingredient found in all laundry detergents that's invisible, (well at least in all the premium brands anyway).

Scientists have been unable to determine the origin of the shout beetle or discover how it functions. Suffice to say at this point that it removes without any difficulty whatsoever all stains, spills, and splotches from wearing apparel. (And, if used correctly, it also has the added benefit of removing sentimental, sloppy, or sooty sorts of thoughts from mixed-up minds.)

A cautionary note is in order here. Whilst the shout beetle may be a marvellous cleaning additive, it can never replace the Patriarch of Purge, and Father of All Scouring, Sweeping, And Soaking Action Figures, "Mighty Mockingbird Man". (See Factoid #08005 for further details.)

FARFETCHED FACTOIDS AT YOUR FINGERTIPS

...or, all you ever wanted to know about fanciful, farcical or far-flung bits of silly stuff floating around (looking for a nice place to plop ...just like you and me*)

Given that "the world is too much with us late and soon", and "getting and spending we lay waste our powers", I think it's high time that I made a positive contribution to life somewhere in the galaxy.

Actually, my mission is quite simple. But before getting into that, I should probably explain how I found my true calling -- a fabulous bit of frippery if ever there was one.

To make a long, shaggy dog story short (as my mother used to say), I opened the wrong door to my Destiny.

The door I chose was clearly marked. "NO ADMITTANCE -- Not Even to the Angels of Your Better Nature - And No, A Note from the Big Guy in the Sky Won't Help Either."

The only hitch was, I lost my bifocals on that fateful day ... not that I think it would have helped much. (If truth be told however, I seem to have this uncanny knack for running into potholes and tripping over the light fantastic, not to mention my own feet -- which left me with a fractured ankle in one case and broken finger-nails in another.)

Anyway, where was I ...oh yes my reason for being. Fortunately the Fairygodmother of Fortune Cookies told me that I had only one thing on my "to do list" or was it in my "Think and Doodle Book"?

According to the most recent fortune cookie I opened, I am supposed to "go fly a kite" and "let go of the need to control things".

So in that spirit, I've decided to establish a blog. Well not just any blog. "FARFETCHED FACTOIDS" is designed to provide a pleasant pit-stop along the ludricrous landscape of life. Grab your latte, toss your tie or shoes, and let's explore who kissed the blarney stone first, or how to make silk purses out of sow's ears.

By the way, if you're seeking salvation (see notes below). More to the point, please locate the nearest exit, or press the escape key on your computer. (If you can't find the escape key on your computer, clearly this is not the place for you.)

(Note 1: Try enrolling in a "Twelve Step Program to Bleepless Bliss", I've been told they work wonders on anyone needing relief from the sound of snooze alarm buttons or cell phone ringy-dingy tunes.)

(Note 2: If that doesn't work , trying communing with nature -- biffies appear to work well if contemplating your navel is the name of your game.)

(Note 3: And if all else fails, you can always try twiddling your fingers ... if nothing else you can let your digits do the walking for you which is easier than getting corns on your toes or ending up with flat feet.)

If on the other hand, you're looking for an opportunity to "get lost" (in La-La-Land in order to avoid having to ponder the merits of boiled brussel sprouts or brazed broccoli), " or you're keen on "taking a flying leap" (into a pit of silly putty and telling us all about your adventure), then you've come to the right place.

TODAY'S FARFETCHED AND FAR-FLUNG LIFE LESSON #1 - Avoid eating carrots unless you share a kinship with wiggly-nosed, white rabbits who aren't exactly on top of the food chain ... or you're prepared to carry a big stick designed to ward off evil spirits lurking about in search of that sprig of parsley you've got stuck between your two front teeth.

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*The world does not need more grammarians, English teachers, or spelling bees -- so, if you'll kindly smile and leave your tendency to correct mistakes done on purpose or by accident at the door, then you'll be making a modest contribution to making the "Wonderful World of Wonk" an inviting place to plop.